Prohibition makes you want to cry in your beer, and denies you the beer to cry into.

If you drink, don’t drive.  Don’t even putt.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts – for support rather than for illumination.

Sobriety diminishes, discriminates, and says no; drunkenness expands, unites, and says yes. Not through mere perversity do men run after it.

There’s no absolutes in life – only vodka.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

A well made Martini or Gibson, correctly chilled and nicely served, has been more often my true friend than any two-legged creature.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and, furthermore, always carry a small snake.

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn.

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

You, sir, are drunk.

And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

He was a wise man who invented beer.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol, than alcohol has taken out of me.

There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

Put it back in the horse!

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

One more drink and I’d be under the host.

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your drink.

Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.

I’m allergic to grass. Hey, it could be worse. I could be allergic to beer.